Quicksand

I was asleep on a beach and suddenly woke up to see a submarine periscope coming thru the sand in front of my body.  Not sure who was laying near me but I shook them awake to see this.  We both looked in shock!  I suggested I grab my camera and take a picture with a bright flash into the scope to blind whoever was spying on us.  We settled on putting our hands over the scope.  It suddenly stopped scanning the area and withdrew itself into the sand.  As it went under, I put my hand over the hole and could feel the water bubbling up from it.  Then slowly the hole was gone as the water and sand mixture molded back to a flat surface under my hand.

Then I woke up.  It felt so real!  So here I am awake at 3am.  I'm waiting for the benadryl to start working....damn allergies to cats.  It feels like I have sand in my lungs.

Anyhow, I was laying here thinking how amazing it is when you actually take control of your life.  Declaring and creating possibilities for yourself.  I've always been scared to take a stand for myself and what I wanted.  Trying to stay under the radar where life is safe.  But damn, that's boring.  I would get damn right embarrassed when someone took notice.  That fear has kept me from relationships and a career of my dreams.  I've always been a great promoter for others but not myself.

But those days are over.  

I was talking to someone I used to date years ago and he said I never spoke up about what I wanted.  Never took a stand.  He's so right.  I thought I was by being "the cool chick who never spoke up or questions anything".  I was passive.  People do things in ways to "prove" how they feel instead of just SAYING it.  I have a ton of guy friends and they've dated girls that have cleaned their apts, cooked dinner, bought groceries, did the laundry, etc when they came over.  But never did they say what they wanted from the guys.  They thought by doing this stuff, the guy would see how great they were and say  you're the one.  To this day, I've never seen a situation like that work out.

I finally took a stand and declared what I want.  No more casual relationships.  I want something real, long lasting, committed.  That's the goal I'm working towards.  I'm not asking for it all now but I'm putting it out there.  I know the energy I've put it there has been casual.  Saying stupid shit like "I don't want anything serious", "Not sure if I ever want to get married", blah blah blah.  I call bullshit on myself. "Buwlsheit, Buwlsheit, Buwlsheit."  I said all that because I was scared of conflict and failure.  But great love, takes great risk.  And the risk is worth the love.     

Time to take a stand and say what you want.  What's the worst someone is going to say?  No.  That's it.  No.  Are we all so scared to hear the word No, that we just stopped asking?  Stopped going after our dreams because we're too scared to hear No?  Guess what hearing No means.....NOTHING!  It doesn't change who you are or what you believe in.  You keep moving on towards your dreams and bypass the people who don't believe in you and your dreams.  

So instead of continuing to let my life sink in the quicksand, I'm molding the sand in my hand and creating the possibilities for greatness in my life.  And you can continue to use your periscope to spy on me and I promise not to blind you with a flash......but I will be a bright shiny light.