Blank stares and mumbles. My brain is mush. I can't remember what I did yesterday. Wait how did I get to work today? Who knew being a Mommy would make you feel like you just got back from a 3 day bender in Vegas? But at least when you get back from Vegas you can crash for 24 hours of solid sleep and couch time. I haven't had a solid 8 hours of sleep in over a year. Sleep deprivation is taking its toll.
It’s amazing how well you do actually function on no sleep. On auto pilot most days. Routines are key. Although, I have managed to forget to put on mascara 3x times now. Eyeshadow with eye liner, no mascara. I wouldn’t recommend this look. But how I manage to not notice until I’m taking off my make-up at the end of the day, puzzles me every time. Do I really fail to look in the mirror while washing my hands each time? Maybe I just walk around with my eyes closed.......
Yesterday was my first really hard day. I couldn’t comprehend what people were saying to me or put together sentences. So if you had any interaction with me I apologize and really don’t remember talking to you. Earl sent me to bed right after dinner. I hope I get sent to bed early tonight too……
Mission: Find safe AND tasty recipes to feed my food allergy family!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
When a baby smiles....
There is nothing as pure as a baby's smile or laugh. Absolute true joy, bliss and happiness shines through that gummy smile. The eyes sparkle. The first smile melts your heart and the continuing ones create such a love you can't even describe.
As adults, we rarely see those smiles. We've been trained to not smile with all we have. It all starts with one little comment.
"Don't squint your eyes so much when you smile."
"You need braces."
"Don't make THAT face when you smile."
"Is that how you smile?"
"Make the nice smile." aka the fake one.
You get the drift. It's amazing what we hold onto as adults. But its also appalling what parents say to their kids. We're taught that this fake looking smile is how you should really smile. That showing true joy is wrong. I know it will take a lot of re-training but I hope to break that cycle with Sophia. I want her to live a life, fully expressed.
I know I can't protect her from what others will say to her......kids are MEAN. But they learn being mean from somewhere. I won't point fingers. But if you are always criticizing them or others in front of them, they'll do the same.
So let them smile that goofy smile and laugh with a snort. It's just them being them.
As adults, we rarely see those smiles. We've been trained to not smile with all we have. It all starts with one little comment.
"Don't squint your eyes so much when you smile."
"You need braces."
"Don't make THAT face when you smile."
"Is that how you smile?"
"Make the nice smile." aka the fake one.
You get the drift. It's amazing what we hold onto as adults. But its also appalling what parents say to their kids. We're taught that this fake looking smile is how you should really smile. That showing true joy is wrong. I know it will take a lot of re-training but I hope to break that cycle with Sophia. I want her to live a life, fully expressed.
I know I can't protect her from what others will say to her......kids are MEAN. But they learn being mean from somewhere. I won't point fingers. But if you are always criticizing them or others in front of them, they'll do the same.
So let them smile that goofy smile and laugh with a snort. It's just them being them.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
When did I become this hippy?
And no, I'm not talking about my hips. I've had those for years. But I have become this baby-wearing, breast-feeding, co-sleeping with my cloth bottomed baby, Mommy.
Crazy right? Who would have thought that I'd be that Mom??? And in a few months when she starts eating baby food....I'm making my own! Yup, totally never thought that would be me. But guess what? It's way easier than everyone makes it out to be. Maybe its my age. I'm a lot more careful about what I put into my body now. So I want to make sure I'm doing the best for Sophia. She's totally worth it.
But I'm not washing my own diapers. We found a great diaper service that handles all that for us! I couldn't handle that.....ok I probably could. But I am choosing not to. ;-) And its only $80 a month! Yup, totally worth the $80!
It's just crazy.....never thought I'd be this kind of Mommy.
Crazy right? Who would have thought that I'd be that Mom??? And in a few months when she starts eating baby food....I'm making my own! Yup, totally never thought that would be me. But guess what? It's way easier than everyone makes it out to be. Maybe its my age. I'm a lot more careful about what I put into my body now. So I want to make sure I'm doing the best for Sophia. She's totally worth it.
But I'm not washing my own diapers. We found a great diaper service that handles all that for us! I couldn't handle that.....ok I probably could. But I am choosing not to. ;-) And its only $80 a month! Yup, totally worth the $80!
It's just crazy.....never thought I'd be this kind of Mommy.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Happy Father's Day
I have to say, it's so amazing to watch Earl with Sophia. Watching them spend time together, creating their own special bond. I'm excited to see that grow and blossom. I love seeing them sitting face to face making faces and "talking" to each other. And we all know her first word will be Daddy. Go figure....Mommy puts in all the work and Daddy gets the reward. :)
It also brings along a bunch of other emotions for me. It's something I never had. Honestly, I have no idea what a father/daughter relationship is supposed to look like. There's an image I hold in my head and I catch glimpses from others. But I, never had that. Don't get me wrong, I had an amazing step-father who was the male figure in my life growing up. I give him a ton of credit for stepping into that role. But despite being that person, he was never that "cuddle on daddy's lap" person to me. The closest I came to having that was with my Nono (great-grandfather). I remember sitting on his lap and him stealing my nose. He'd always give it back though. :) A man of few words but full of so much love.
It's an odd feeling not knowing a whole half of you. Not knowing where you came from. But at this age, its been written off and I'm complete with myself. I have no curiosity, no grain in my body that desires to discover that half. Men take note, stay in your kids lives before its too late.
From a girl who didn't have that father in my life; ladies don't create circumstances that sever that relationship for your kids. And men, step up and fight to be in your kids lives. I see and hear so many things that make me cringe and cry inside. Everyone deserves to have that relationship. Even if you two don't get along, don't get the kids mixed up in it. They deserve so much more.
It also brings along a bunch of other emotions for me. It's something I never had. Honestly, I have no idea what a father/daughter relationship is supposed to look like. There's an image I hold in my head and I catch glimpses from others. But I, never had that. Don't get me wrong, I had an amazing step-father who was the male figure in my life growing up. I give him a ton of credit for stepping into that role. But despite being that person, he was never that "cuddle on daddy's lap" person to me. The closest I came to having that was with my Nono (great-grandfather). I remember sitting on his lap and him stealing my nose. He'd always give it back though. :) A man of few words but full of so much love.
It's an odd feeling not knowing a whole half of you. Not knowing where you came from. But at this age, its been written off and I'm complete with myself. I have no curiosity, no grain in my body that desires to discover that half. Men take note, stay in your kids lives before its too late.
From a girl who didn't have that father in my life; ladies don't create circumstances that sever that relationship for your kids. And men, step up and fight to be in your kids lives. I see and hear so many things that make me cringe and cry inside. Everyone deserves to have that relationship. Even if you two don't get along, don't get the kids mixed up in it. They deserve so much more.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
The Birth of Sophia
It's hard to believe its been 9 weeks since I gave birth to Sophia. Although, it seems like yesterday, it also seems like she's been with me forever.
Contractions started over the weekend and Earl and I thought my doctor would be sending us directly over to the hospital from his office during my Monday appointment. When he said I hadn't even started to dilate and we needed to start talking about inducing at the end of the week, I was angry. We left his office knowing that if she didn't come by Thursday, he was having me induced. My blood pressure had been an issue the entire pregnancy so letting me go past my due date was not an option.
We got home and decided to go for a walk. We were going to get this girl out! Contractions were coming but weak and really far apart. I felt totally out of it after dinner and decided to head to bed around 11:30pm. At 2:30am I woke up to stronger contractions but this had happened the past few nights. I woke up Earl to let him know that I was using the iPhone app to time them and they were about 10 minutes apart. But to go back to sleep and I'll let him know if they got any closer together. Before I knew it, I had drifted back to sleep......then BAM!!! At 6:30am I woke up to a VERY strong contraction and felt my water leak. I jumped up and yelled to Earl and went into the bathroom and had another VERY strong contraction. I couldn't move or talk. I came out of the bathroom and Earl was jumping up to get our bags. Before I could even say anything another came! OMG, they were 3 minutes apart. We jump in the car and head down the 101 as the sun was rising. I remember thinking that anyone in traffic next to us must be wondering what is going on with me as I winced and was working on my breathing.
As we arrived to the hospital the contractions were getting stronger and stronger. They rushed me up to Labor & Delivery and examined me. Are you serious??? I was only dilated 2cm! So I got myself comfortable and ready for my long journey. Comfortable meaning I had my ice chips, lifesavers and my BlackBerry. Yes, I had to update everyone.
Around 9:30am the anesthesiologist came in to see if I wanted an epidural. We waved her off telling her we wanted to try and do it without one. She nodded and said she was only a phone call away if I changed my mind. Shortly after the nurse came in to check me because my blood pressure was skyrocketing. My doctor was there and said he was going to have to give me magnesium to lower it. After he left the room I told Earl I hadn't done any research on that drug but I had read that an epidural can lower blood pressure. So when he returned we told him our decision....epidural. By the time the anesthesiologist came back in and asked me to sit up, I was in so much pain I couldn't stop shaking. But once that kicked in, life was good again and my blood pressure actually dropped too low so I asked them to back off the epidural a bit.
The only problem now is my contractions slowed down. Argh. I read that could happen. And that's when the "would you like some pitocin?" questions started coming. NO. My vitals are fine, Sophia's vitals are fine and I'm dilating 1cm per 2 hours so NO NO NO. Now if you do that math.....1cm per 2 hours and I had to get to 10cm......yeah, we were there for a long time.
Around 11:30pm the nurse told me I was only at 8cm and she would be back in 2 hours to check on me. I tried to rest and dosed off for a few minutes and she was walking back in the room saying she needed to check me again. I looked at the clock at it was 12:20am. Huh? I thought you said 2 hours? She told me it had been....what clock system was she using? But sure enough, I was now at 10cm. She transformed the bed into the delivery position and started going over what was going to happen.
"Ok, when its time to start pushing here is what you're going to do.....you'll push down like you have to poop the biggest poop of your life and count to 10, then take a breath and do it again 2 more times. Do you understand?" said the nurse.
"Yes, 3 sets of 10 counts with a deep breath in-between each set." I replied.
"OK, good. Now PUSH!" she says.
"WHAT? Now????" I look at her completely puzzled.
"YES, PUSH!"
Earl jumps up from the couch. "But the doctor isn't here!" I scream.
"He doesn't come until later. On this next contraction, you are going to push. Ok, NOW, PUSH!" She says.
Before I knew it my doctor was there and Sophia Madison was born on 4/13/2011 at 1:13am. So after almost 22 hours of labor and 45 minutes of pushing, we welcomed our little angel to the world. It was the most incrediable feeling to see her for the first time. The little thing that had been kicking me and having hiccups was finally in my arms.
I looked around the room I had been in since 7am and it didn't look familiar anymore. Maybe it was the delirium from no sleep or food but it was the strangest thing. I had no idea where I was at! But I had my baby.
We walked into that hospital as a couple and we left as a family.
Contractions started over the weekend and Earl and I thought my doctor would be sending us directly over to the hospital from his office during my Monday appointment. When he said I hadn't even started to dilate and we needed to start talking about inducing at the end of the week, I was angry. We left his office knowing that if she didn't come by Thursday, he was having me induced. My blood pressure had been an issue the entire pregnancy so letting me go past my due date was not an option.
We got home and decided to go for a walk. We were going to get this girl out! Contractions were coming but weak and really far apart. I felt totally out of it after dinner and decided to head to bed around 11:30pm. At 2:30am I woke up to stronger contractions but this had happened the past few nights. I woke up Earl to let him know that I was using the iPhone app to time them and they were about 10 minutes apart. But to go back to sleep and I'll let him know if they got any closer together. Before I knew it, I had drifted back to sleep......then BAM!!! At 6:30am I woke up to a VERY strong contraction and felt my water leak. I jumped up and yelled to Earl and went into the bathroom and had another VERY strong contraction. I couldn't move or talk. I came out of the bathroom and Earl was jumping up to get our bags. Before I could even say anything another came! OMG, they were 3 minutes apart. We jump in the car and head down the 101 as the sun was rising. I remember thinking that anyone in traffic next to us must be wondering what is going on with me as I winced and was working on my breathing.
As we arrived to the hospital the contractions were getting stronger and stronger. They rushed me up to Labor & Delivery and examined me. Are you serious??? I was only dilated 2cm! So I got myself comfortable and ready for my long journey. Comfortable meaning I had my ice chips, lifesavers and my BlackBerry. Yes, I had to update everyone.
Around 9:30am the anesthesiologist came in to see if I wanted an epidural. We waved her off telling her we wanted to try and do it without one. She nodded and said she was only a phone call away if I changed my mind. Shortly after the nurse came in to check me because my blood pressure was skyrocketing. My doctor was there and said he was going to have to give me magnesium to lower it. After he left the room I told Earl I hadn't done any research on that drug but I had read that an epidural can lower blood pressure. So when he returned we told him our decision....epidural. By the time the anesthesiologist came back in and asked me to sit up, I was in so much pain I couldn't stop shaking. But once that kicked in, life was good again and my blood pressure actually dropped too low so I asked them to back off the epidural a bit.
The only problem now is my contractions slowed down. Argh. I read that could happen. And that's when the "would you like some pitocin?" questions started coming. NO. My vitals are fine, Sophia's vitals are fine and I'm dilating 1cm per 2 hours so NO NO NO. Now if you do that math.....1cm per 2 hours and I had to get to 10cm......yeah, we were there for a long time.
Around 11:30pm the nurse told me I was only at 8cm and she would be back in 2 hours to check on me. I tried to rest and dosed off for a few minutes and she was walking back in the room saying she needed to check me again. I looked at the clock at it was 12:20am. Huh? I thought you said 2 hours? She told me it had been....what clock system was she using? But sure enough, I was now at 10cm. She transformed the bed into the delivery position and started going over what was going to happen.
"Ok, when its time to start pushing here is what you're going to do.....you'll push down like you have to poop the biggest poop of your life and count to 10, then take a breath and do it again 2 more times. Do you understand?" said the nurse.
"Yes, 3 sets of 10 counts with a deep breath in-between each set." I replied.
"OK, good. Now PUSH!" she says.
"WHAT? Now????" I look at her completely puzzled.
"YES, PUSH!"
Earl jumps up from the couch. "But the doctor isn't here!" I scream.
"He doesn't come until later. On this next contraction, you are going to push. Ok, NOW, PUSH!" She says.
Before I knew it my doctor was there and Sophia Madison was born on 4/13/2011 at 1:13am. So after almost 22 hours of labor and 45 minutes of pushing, we welcomed our little angel to the world. It was the most incrediable feeling to see her for the first time. The little thing that had been kicking me and having hiccups was finally in my arms.
I looked around the room I had been in since 7am and it didn't look familiar anymore. Maybe it was the delirium from no sleep or food but it was the strangest thing. I had no idea where I was at! But I had my baby.
We walked into that hospital as a couple and we left as a family.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Till Death Do Us Part....
"I'm pregnant!" "So when are you getting married?" "I'm due April 15th." "Yeah, but you're getting married, right?" I expected this conversation from my Grandma but from friends that are my age? Believe me, I want to get married and I always thought that would come first.....but it didn't and I'm sure as hell not running for the chapel just because I got knocked up.
Have you ever been around someone planning a wedding??? Do you really think I want to add THAT stress on top of these raging hormones, bouts of tears and not to mention this intensive course I am taking? And by intensive course, I mean all the studying and research I have to complete in 9 months.....baby studies. The first time I looked at baby products, a sense of panic set in, I slammed my laptop closed and wasn't sure how I would figure all this stuff out. But then I found myself on the sofa reading reviews and watching how to use a stroller videos for 2+ hours on a Saturday afternoon. Not to mention the 1+ hour putting together the stroller and watching the video again and practicing open and closing the damn thing! Like I said, intensive training course. And that's just the stroller! And I'm on a limited time frame....this course ends when she arrives. Then a new course starts....
I just don't get why people in today's times think that we need to rush and get married just because we're having a baby. There's nothing more "till death do us part" than having a child together! And honestly if I would have announced an engagement, then the pregnancy, you know what you all would have said? "Oh, that's why they got engaged." Getting pregnant isn't a reason to get married.
To me, getting married is about love, mutual respect and knowing that you couldn't imagine not being with this person for the rest of your life. Not because you're pregnant, you've got this timeline in your head and just because someone asked you to marry them.
Speaking of timelines.....ladies....STOP IT! If I hear another person have a date/age they want to get married by, I'm going to slap you. So you're telling me that you'll marry any man you're with at that age just to stay on some dumb timeline you probably created when you were 12? Now I get it if you're with someone you love, respect and couldn't imagine being without. If he's not on the same page as you are, move on. But don't marry just any guy you are with around that age for the sake of getting married. If you do, you better start researching divorce lawyers....you'll need one in approximately 3 years.
Our daughter is being brought into this world by 2 people who love each other very much. That's all that matters. <3
Have you ever been around someone planning a wedding??? Do you really think I want to add THAT stress on top of these raging hormones, bouts of tears and not to mention this intensive course I am taking? And by intensive course, I mean all the studying and research I have to complete in 9 months.....baby studies. The first time I looked at baby products, a sense of panic set in, I slammed my laptop closed and wasn't sure how I would figure all this stuff out. But then I found myself on the sofa reading reviews and watching how to use a stroller videos for 2+ hours on a Saturday afternoon. Not to mention the 1+ hour putting together the stroller and watching the video again and practicing open and closing the damn thing! Like I said, intensive training course. And that's just the stroller! And I'm on a limited time frame....this course ends when she arrives. Then a new course starts....
I just don't get why people in today's times think that we need to rush and get married just because we're having a baby. There's nothing more "till death do us part" than having a child together! And honestly if I would have announced an engagement, then the pregnancy, you know what you all would have said? "Oh, that's why they got engaged." Getting pregnant isn't a reason to get married.
To me, getting married is about love, mutual respect and knowing that you couldn't imagine not being with this person for the rest of your life. Not because you're pregnant, you've got this timeline in your head and just because someone asked you to marry them.
Speaking of timelines.....ladies....STOP IT! If I hear another person have a date/age they want to get married by, I'm going to slap you. So you're telling me that you'll marry any man you're with at that age just to stay on some dumb timeline you probably created when you were 12? Now I get it if you're with someone you love, respect and couldn't imagine being without. If he's not on the same page as you are, move on. But don't marry just any guy you are with around that age for the sake of getting married. If you do, you better start researching divorce lawyers....you'll need one in approximately 3 years.
Our daughter is being brought into this world by 2 people who love each other very much. That's all that matters. <3
Friday, January 7, 2011
What's going on in there?
Have you ever watched a dog stare at its belly in utter curiosity and amazement of what those noises are in there? They suddenly hear a gurgling and sit up and just stare at their stomach. Well that's pretty much what I'm doing all day long now. I feel like a curious dog, titling my head from side to side wondering what's going on in my belly.
I well aware of what is in my belly but man do I wonder what she's doing in there. My belly moves from side to side and then kick jabs and kicks. Sometimes it's just a sliding/squirming sensation. Either way, its like watching Alien.....
It's a complete trip to watch my body transforming! My belly is now bigger than my enormous chest. I'm scared to think these things could get any bigger. And my belly button is stretched and about to pop.
This journey is a trip.........
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